Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course. What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?’

‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’

‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’

‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’

‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.

Roaring with laughter, the official said “Go ahead father.”

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: " $ 70,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks:

"Anyone knows whom this phone belongs to ?''

Ladki ne aapse lift mangi,
Raste mein uski tabiat kaharab ho gai.
Aapko TENSION !!

Aap hospital le gaye,
Doctor bola – aap baap banne wale ho
Aapko TENSION !!

Aap bole – Mai iska baap nahi !
Phir ladki se pucha
Ladki boli – yehi baap hai.
Aapko aur TENSION.

Phir police ayi
Aapka medical check up hua.
Report aayi.
Aap to kabhi baap hi nahi ban sakte.
Aapko aur TENSION !!

Aap ne khuda ka shukar ada kiya aur aap Khushi Khushi ghar gaye !

Aur phir socha Ki ghar pe jo bachchay hai
Wo kiske hai…????????

Aapko Phir TENSION !!!!!!

The Silent Treatment...
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND...
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yes," the wife replied , " in-laws"

WOMEN'S REVENGE ...
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

WORDS...
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION...
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.," The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT...
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ..........." HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

****** ****** ****** ****** ******

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

****** ****** ****** ****** ******

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room.When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

****** ****** ****** ****** ******

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother.”I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

****** ****** ****** ****** ******

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

****** ****** ****** ****** ******

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.” Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘that’s Michael. He’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

****** ****** ****** ****** ******

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”"Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”A little fellow shouted, “Because your feet aren’t empty.”


****** ****** ****** ****** ******

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all You want. God is watching the apples!”

****** ****** ****** ****** ******

A kinder garden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

”Wow, Miss Collins!” one child exclaimed. “You look really different without your glasses on !”Another child piped up, “I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!”

****** ****** ****** ****** ******

Father : "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Father : "But the girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...OK"

Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father : "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case...OK"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. "
President : "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father : "But this young man is Bill Gate's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case...OK"

This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing,You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive...

1) Q : Wat is the height of mixed emotion ???
Ans : Wen ur mother -in- law falls from 7th floor on ur mercedes...

2) Boy: O Bewafa tune Shadi Q ki? Mera Dil jal k Raakh ho gaya...
Girl: Fikr na kar tumhari Raakh bekar na jayegi...
Yahan bhej do Bartan dhone k kaam aayegi.

3) Nari ke chakkar me bhulo mat yari, Laat maaregi naari to yaad ayegi yaari, Baat maano hamari ban jao brahmchari, Ye jaankari janhit me jaari

4) What is d diff btwn daava n daru?
Dava is lik ''grlfrnd" dat comes with expiry date
n
daru is like ''wife'' jitni purani hogi utni sir pe chadti hai.

5) 1 Medical student ne apni classmate ko khun se likha letter dekar kaha,"Muje iska ans jarur dena
Ladki Ne jawab diya,"Tumara blodgrup A+ Hai

6) Aey mere kadradan Dost meri jaan.Tum hamesha rahoge hattekatte naujawan kyounki...Jab Khuda meherban to GADHA bhi PAHALWAN.

7) Napolean:There's no such word as impossible in my dictionary...
Sardarji : Oye!!! Toh dictionary dekh ke kharidni thi na!

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Why Planning is important?

One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and t hey had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.


On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name......................... (2 MARKS)

Q.2. which tyre burst? (98 MARKS)

a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!!!

George Bush, Manmohan Singh, Aishwarya Rai, and Sonia Gandhi are traveling in a train.

The train goes through atunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed.

Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia is thinking:
These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.

Aishwarya is thinking:
Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.

Bush is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.

Manmohan is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Bush again!!!

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Don't Marry AIRTEL girl, she will do magic on you.
Don't Marry BSNL girl, she has connections with all Indians.
Don't Marry IDEA girl, she touches you tomorrow.
Don't Marry RELAINCE girl, she takes you in her mutthi mein.
Don't Marry BPL girl, she believes in the best and leave you for the rest.
Marry only HUTCH girl, she follows you where ever you go!

Dream makes all things possible,
Hope makes all things work,
luv makes al things beutifl,
smile makes al d abv
so always BRUSH UR TEETH...!

What do u call a woman in heaven?
An Angel.
A crowd of woman in heaven?
A host of Angels.
And all woman in heaven?
PEACE ON EARTH!

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it!

Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks
To be as rich as his child believes
To have as many women as his wife suspects..

What kind of food does a race horse eat?
A: Fast food

2day, 2morrow & 4ever,
there will be 1 heart that would always beat 4 u.
U know whose??
YOUR OWN

A man found a brass lamp, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you any wish you desire," the genie said.

The man replied, "I want a spectacular job. A challenge that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try.

" "Poof!" Said the genie. "You're a housewife."